Suffice it to say the last few weeks have been hard. I've been solo parenting, I've had sick kids, I've had stressful things at work, and I haven't been feeling so great myself. But this last weekend was bad. I was not myself. And I realized I had slowly but surely been heading down this path of not being myself and I did not like it. And I realized, if I was going to "fix" it, I needed help. I've been reading a lot about post-partum issues and the challenges moms face after having kids. After having Jayden, the hospital gave me a questionnaire and I tested higher than normal on the postpartum depression spectrum. But not so high that they were worried about me - more than referring me to a support group. I went a couple times, but didn't really click with the other moms, or really feel like I was getting a lot out of it. Plus it was in the evening, at 6 pm, which is just a bad time for small children and bedtimes. I joined the mommy group, which was nice, but didn't produce lasting friendships.
In any case, over the course of Jayden growing up, I concluded that I am not good with babies. I love my kids, but babies are just not my thing. I keep them alive, healthy and growing. But I don't enjoy them the way some people do. And I accept that and even own it - now. At the time I had Jayden, I felt broken. But now I get that some people
survive babyhood, and some others revel in it. And I know I'm the former. So, when I was pregnant with Dakota, I knew the first year would be hard, but I thought that because I had gone through some self-discovery with Jayden I could handle it better. Turns out that's not the case. Turns out if you're not a baby person, even if you own it, accept it and tell everyone you know about it, you're still just not a baby person and surviving the first year is hard. Really hard.
And in a funny way, it doesn't help that my kids are cute. Everywhere I go, people gush over Dakota, telling me she's the cutest baby they've ever seen, she should be in magazines, etc. And on my worst days, I can barely muster a "thank you," or I'm at a loss for words because even though I know theoretically that she's cute, I can't seem to find that joy that others see.
So, in any case, I went to see a psychiatrist today. And she believes I'm moderately depressed, most likely post-partum depression. And that the ridiculous sleep deprivation is not helping anything. We talked about a lot of things, which I won't go into here for various reasons. But what came out of my appointment is that I realized that my feelings are legitimate, and that it is worth it to get help. I'm avoiding medication for now. But I am going to keep seeing her, and working on her suggestions and tips in the meantime. It's going to be a process, and I'm going to need people's grace and gentleness (if that's a word) as I get through it. But I will get through it. Because I need to be a better wife, I need to be a better mom, and, maybe most importantly of all, I need to be better to myself. So that is my new plan, which at this point isn't much of a plan. But it's a starting point, and will hopefully lead to so many better things.
[I debated whether or not to share this. But I decided that more people need to talk about postpartum struggles, and in a way that isn't disastrous. Just because you have postpartum depression doesn't mean you can't hold down a job, keep your kids alive, keep food on the table, etc. There is such a range, and it hits people in such different ways. It's worth sharing so other people know they're not alone and that having scary thoughts is okay, AND that things can be better. So there it is. I'll answer questions, to an extent. But some of this process is going to be mine, because I need to do it the way that works for me.]
