Nine months - and Four and a half!

Today we hit two milestones - nine months for Dakota and Four and a half years for Jayden!

But on to the update: last weekend was the Athletes First Classic, so we spent the weekend (after swim class) at the St Regis Hotel in Dana Point.  It's always a fun weekend, but also always a little stressful because Carmen is working all weekend.  Carmen actually got to come to swim class on Saturday, and then he dropped Jasmine off afterwards.  I drove the kids down just after, and we all met at the hotel.  We hung out in the green room with Carmen's clients and co-workers for a bit, and then headed down to the rooms (we had two connecting rooms) to nap.  Amazingly both kids napped at the same time, which meant I got to close my eyes for half a second too.  Dakota was napping on a bed, so I stayed in the room with her.  Which was a good idea, until . . . Jayden woke up from his nap and instead of coming through the connecting door, he went into the hall.  So, a hotel employee rings my doorbell and I see little Jayden standing in the hallway looking flushed from his nap and a little confused.  He told me "I told the guy I was lost."  He was two feet from our room.  But he was apparently lost.  So yeah.

There wasn't much opportunity for Jayden to run, so he decided we should go on "walks."  That meant that we left our hotel room, we took the elevator to the first floor, we walked outside, around a corner, past a fountain, up some stairs, up some more stairs and then down a hallway.

I chose not to get a babysitter this year, so I took Jayden and Dakota to the silent auction for about 45 minutes and then Jayden, Dakota and I went back to the room, ordered room service for dinner and watched Disney's Planes: Fire and Rescue.  The movie was great.  Dinner took longer than we wanted, which made for a late night, but I told Jayden it was a special night and we'd just go with the flow.  Amazingly both kids slept pretty well in the hotel room - Dakota woke up once around 1 am, but I walked with her for maybe 30 minutes and put her back down in the pack-n-play and she slept until the morning.  So I was actually somewhat rested, which was a miracle.  

On one of our walks, Jayden was at the bottom of the stairs in an entryway.  I love this picture. One of the few times Jayden still looks small.

Reggie living vicariously through us.  He really loves kids, but he's got three of his own and he's good.  So he makes adorably cute faces at our baby, which is totally cool with me.  

Breakfast in bed!  And the coolest pancakes ever!  

Even Dakota got in on the fun and ate some of Jayden's scrambled eggs.  

One of the nicest views ever.  I took this while nursing Dakota on the nineteenth hole on Sunday.   Carmen and Jayden were playing on the 

Jayden really wanted to ride a golf cart, and luckily one of Carmen's co-workers had errands to run.  Ever since then, Jayden has said he loves riding in golf carts, but he's only going to do it with Nicole.  Which is pretty much all Nicole has been wanting, because she's been trying to be Jayden's best friend for a while now.  It was super cute.

Dark picture, I know.  But on Monday night Carmen was out of town.  Oh - the best part about this past weekend - we were at the hotel until Sunday around noon, when I took the kids home.  Carmen had to stay down there to meet with clients and generally be a responsible A1 employee.  And then he had to drive to LAX to get on a redeye to Minnesota for one of his client's pro days the following day.  So yeah.  I had the kids in the hotel room Saturday, and then was flying solo the next two nights.  And of course Monday night I had a board meeting that I had to attend, and give a presentation.  For the last three years I've had to bring my kid(s) to this board meeting because Carmen is always unavailable for some reason.
So yeah.  I went to work, ran to get the kids, stopped at home to grab dinner, took them to the office to feed them (and bribed Jayden with cake and Paw Patrol DVDs), and then gave my presentation (during which Jayden giggled loudly and Dakota started to fuss - thank goodness for my mommy co-workers) and then ran home as fast as I could. Dakota was so tired, she passed out in the car on the way home, and stayed asleep as I got her out of her carseat and then laid her on Jayden's bed.  It actually allowed me to get Jayden completely ready for bed, and then quickly quickly get her pajamas on before reading to Jayden and getting them both to bed.  She did not move once, though after I laid her down.  If I hadn't needed to change her diaper, I might have just put her to bed in her clothes.  

And then this is what I woke up to Tuesday morning.  She is pretty cute.

It's a constant battle: I love waking up to her cute stuff, but part of me dreads it a little because it's another day of challenges and of feeling inadequate.  I know those feelings are silly, but they are what they are. 

Jayden being casual big brother while I got ready this morning.  The kids slept in until 7ish, so I did too.  After I got them ready and fed them breakfast, I got myself ready.  Poor Jazzy suffered in that she got no walk today, but I let her out in the backyard about 854 times, so hopefully she'll survive.  

Dakota's 9 month picture.
She's not moving, really - although she is really good at turning in circles while she's sitting, and in sort of moving herself backwards when she's on her tummy, but she does NOT like to sit still in our laps for more than a few minutes.  I managed to catch her at the beginning of Jayden's swim lesson in a calm moment.  But about two minutes later, I spread Jayden's towel out on the ground with a few toys and she and I hung out on the ground for the swim lesson.  It was so much better.

This was at home, not from last weekend, but I think from last week.  Just an example of her scooting to get things.  She's close, but I'm find with her taking her time to figure it out.  :)

Jayden and Maxwell floating with Mr. Ian.  He was being very patient with the boys today (and always really).  Luckily the boys complied for most of the lesson.  They just are at an age where they have their own ideas and want to act on them.  And then feed off each other.  

And now we start the Dakota series.  This is eating lunch.  She was just being cute.  And she's growing a tooth and I was trying to capture it.  I missed it in this picture, but got a pretty good smile.

Best. Face. Ever.  She makes this face quite a bit, including at daycare when she's done with her bottle apparently.  But it provides an excellent view of her tooth, and of her second one soon to be popping through, I think.  I really do love her, no matter how challenging she is.  Her personality is something else.

One more, better exhibiting the food all. over. her. face.  But that's meal time with a nine month old.  If she can get her hands in the spoon, and then all over her face and in her hair, then she will do it.

Jayden teaching Dakota how to play the "piano."  It was pretty cute.  Dakota really didn't get it.  But Jayden worked with her and was super patient and eventually Dakota got it!

Our art project for the day.  The High Five magazine he got recently had this art project in it and he's old enough to understand that.  So after swim class today we stopped at Michael's to gather supplies and then after nap we put it all together.  It was a fake "stained glass" project.  It didn't turn out exactly how the magazine intended, but it was pretty cool.  And Jayden really enjoyed it, which is really what matters.  

The finished product.  Basically it's Elmer's glue with food coloring on clear cd cases!  I'll put a "frame" with patterned tape and a hanging string on tomorrow so we can hang it in the window.  I pretty much love it.
I told him if it worked well we could do it at preschool and he said "no, I don't want to share it."  So yeah.  I keep trying to come up with something I could share at preschool, since they value parent involvement and lawyering skills isn't really something easily shareable with 4 year olds (their parents definitely don't want me sharing "how to argue" with them...).  So i keep thinking maybe I'll come up with an art project I can share one day.  And this seemed like a cool one.  But Jayden vetoed me.  Oh well!  Turns out it takes too long for the glue to dry anyway.  But I'm still on the lookout!

We had fun with my phone later - using the "cartoon" effect button.  He's such a grown up!

Dakota loves putting her hands on my face.
For those of you who watched Friends, it always makes me think of when Joey and the other soap opera star talk about kissing each other and putting their hands over the other person's face to hide them from the camera and bring the focus on to them.  So in my mind, Dakota is all about her, trying to hide my face!

And in reality, I think she's going to be a funny little girl.  She loves music.  Like really seriously loves it.  Tries to sing along, stops doing whatever she is doing when music comes on, but especially when Jayden, Carmen or I are singing.  She loves clapping.

She also has figured out copying.  The other day I was playing with her and dropped a ball on the floor and it bounced.  She, almost immediately, picked up a ball and dropped it and let it bounce also.  It was pretty cool.  She does it with noises, but more when we copy her than her copying us.   

And so now we have Carmen home for four days, sort of.  He'll be in L.A. probably for at least one of those days.  And then he'll be home four days later, and then home for two-three nights and then gone for another few nights.  It has helped me in that I can tell my work I can't do evening events (which I told them already, at least until June but they keep asking), but it also means my work days are shorter and I'm struggling so much more to get everything done.  Over and over again, I don't get how single moms do it if they don't have support.  It's just impossible to do anything without support.

I think the moral of the last week or two is that time flies, in the slowest motion way possible.  So yes, it has been nine months.  But it has taken five years to get through those nine months.  Except months three and five, which passed by in four days.  At least that's how it feels.  Time is flying and crawling.  In the best way and the worst way.

I want a do-over

I pretty much am just writing off the month of February.  I actually don't even really want a do-over, I just want to erase it from memory.  First, the kids were sick for a week after Super Bowl.  And starting February 21st or so, I came down with something nasty.  I had a fever of 102 or higher, I had the chills, I was lethargic and I just plain didn't feel good.  It knocked me out for a solid three days.  I ended up with an annoying cough and congestion, which I am still fighting off, almost two weeks later.  And the best part?  I called our pediatrician, and I can take zyrtec (for allergies) and that's pretty much it (besides tylenol/ibuprofen, which I did for the fever and the headache, but that barely counts).  No real medication.  Totally sucks.  

So that is my excuse for not posting much in the past few weeks.  I've barely been able to get myself out of bed, much less play photographer, upload photos and write anything remotely clever.  Or even just write anything.  Needless to say, work has been a challenge as well!  And of course, Carmen was out of town for the combine - but lucky for me my mom came to visit the day after Carmen left.  She allowed me to take a nap, she made dinner for us (and bought us a couple dinners too!) and generally kept the kids entertained so I could rest a little more.  I'm sure we would have survived, but there would have been a whole lot more television watching I'm sure!

Tomorrow is Carmen's company's charity dinner.  I didn't get a babysitter, so I'll take the kids to the silent auction to say "hi" to everyone and then take them to the hotel room.

Hanging out with my college teammate T.

Cheering on the Pomona-Pitzer women.  Jayden's first live basketball game.  When I told him he might not get to see it because it would be too late, he said "it's okay, I'll just watch it on TV."  I had to explain to him this wasn't exactly the kind of game that was shown on TV...

Jayden had a blast at the game, was shouting "DE-FENSE" with the crown, cheering when  P-P scored, etc.  It was awesome.
Until Carmen took the kids home at halftime and he threw a fit, and then Dakota started crying, and the two of them basically tortured Carmen for the first 20 or 30 minutes of his drive home.  Oh well.  A small price to pay.  

After the double overtime win with my teammates.  So great to these ladies - and so sad to miss those that couldn't make it.  

Friday night was "family movie night" at Children's Village.  They showed The Good Dinosaur.  It turns out the movie is rated PG and probably wasn't great for Jayden, but he powered through.  And Dakota loved it, because she loved the music.  

Just a cute picture of Dakota chewing on blocks.  Everything goes in her mouth these days.  She has a small tooth in the front that has popped through, and I think others are on their way.  Last night I was convinced she has swallowed a marble.  Turns out she didn't.  But Carmen and I were watching her pretty closely for the evening.

Jayden was loving his knee-high striped socks from Gigi. He told me he only wanted to wear them on the weekends so that he didn't get them dirty.  And then he proceeded to wear them both Saturday and Sunday and fall all over the grass and the concrete in them.  Plus, they're socks, so yeah.  Dirty is not something that can be avoided.
But check out the kid's form.  He was basketball obsessed this past weekend.

Jayden and Kylie trying to pull the soccer ball backwards first.  They had a great time with this game.

At soccer class Dakota thought about crawling.  She got the one leg under her...

And propped herself up on her arms...

And then got stuck and eventually fell over.  She just couldn't quite figure out what to do next, once her leg was under her.
Since then she has mostly stuck to scooting while sitting up.  But I think we're probably not too far away from real movement.  

Love the kiddos in their Adidas track suits.  I'm just not a girly girl, and I love dressing Dakota in sporty little outfits.  She's so cute!

It was Dr. Seuss' birthday this week, so Children's Village celebrated all week.  They made green eggs, read a bunch of Dr. Seuss books, and had this picture opportunity set up in the courtyard.  One of the teachers told Jayden there was a stool back there for the kids to stand on, but that he was pretty sure Jayden wouldn't need it.  And it was true.  Jayden is bending over to get his head in the hole.  :)

Dakota and Daddy chilling on the floor tonight before bedtime.

Carmen is home tonight, tomorrow we have his event and Sunday he takes a red eye to Minnesota.  He gets home Tuesday, and then leaves Friday for Atlanta.  He gets home Saturday, and then leaves Thursday for Vegas.  He gets home Sunday and then leaves Wednesday or Thursday for North Carolina.  I think after that he's home for a few weeks.  He better be - or else we're going to have some problems!

Jayden wanted to be "crazy" again, so this is the beginning of the series.

He didn't like this one because he was all blurry.  I had to explain to him that if he was being "crazy," he was likely to be blurry because he was moving.  So I told him he'd have to be "crazy" and then freeze.

And so this is what we got. I'm not complaining.  It's pretty cute.

For everyone out there, do everything you can to avoid the flu that's going around.  It's so not worth it.  And if you DO get it?  Lock your doors and just sleep it off for four days.  Try not to let work drag you back in, because inevitably you'll end up with a lingering cough/congestion that just prevents you from sleeping.  Don't do it.  The only positive thing I can come up with is that I have now passed on the antibodies to Dakota by nursing her, building up her immunity to one more illness, hopefully.  Gotta see the silver lining, right?

And your pictures!

I'm sure you didn't think I'd put up a post and not put up any pictures!

Here's some shots from the past week or so:

From Thursday, when Dakota had to come to work with me.  Her schedule was all kinds of off, but I actually got some work done.  And she only ate one of my client's documents - not too bad, really.

What also happens when your baby comes to work with you - asleep in the baby carrier while Mama types away.

Siblings after bath on Thursday.  :)

My EIGHT month old.
I had the day off Friday and I was supposed to take the day for myself.  But since Dakota couldn't go to daycare (or so I thought), it turned out to be a Mama and Dakota day.  It was okay, but I was really wishing for some me-time.
And then again, she IS really sweet.

Another EIGHT month old shot.  EIGHT months.  So crazy. We're not all that far from one year.  And yet we are also SO far away from one year.  

Valentine's morning!  

Sibling love on Valentine's Day.  Funny enough, it seems Dakota actually understands, to an extent.  I tell her "gentle," or "don't pull," and she actually stops what she is doing.  Maybe because she hears my voice, but I'd like to believe it's also because she sort of understands things.  Clearly my baby is a genius.

My funny valentine.

Jayden got a "Broncos Miller" t-shirt for Valentine's Day.  He's worn it twice this week.  He loves it.  This picture and the next one were taken Monday night when Carmen went to the Grammy's with Von and Von wanted to see a picture.  I told Jayden to be "crazy" for the picture, and I got this face and the next face.  

This is one of my favorite pictures.  I just love his face, his body, everything about it.
Also, when Von saw it, he said "thank goodness Jayden looks like Leigh."  Of course he was teasing Carmen, but I'm not so sure I want him to think these pictures look like me!

And this little girl is starting to be able to feed herself.  She can get chunks to her mouth - things like steamed apples, banana chunks, puffs, etc.  Sometimes she can get it to her mouth but not in her mouth (like her fingers get it up to her mouth but then they won't let go of the item to get it into her mouth), and other times she actually gets it in her mouth.  And she can hold her sippy cup up and drink from it.  It's pretty amazing.
One of her teachers at daycare said some of her big kids don't eat her finger food as well as Dakota does.  So proud of my little eater!  

I hope everyone had a good long weekend (except for you retired folk who didn't even realize Monday was a holiday until you tried to go to the bank and it was closed!) and that everyone is having a good week so far.  Two more days and we're back to the weekend!

Bumps in the Road (no pictures)

Suffice it to say the last few weeks have been hard.  I've been solo parenting, I've had sick kids, I've had stressful things at work, and I haven't been feeling so great myself.  But this last weekend was bad.  I was not myself.  And I realized I had slowly but surely been heading down this path of not being myself and I did not like it.  And I realized, if I was going to "fix" it, I needed help.  I've been reading a lot about post-partum issues and the challenges moms face after having kids.  After having Jayden, the hospital gave me a questionnaire and I tested higher than normal on the postpartum depression spectrum.  But not so high that they were worried about me - more than referring me to a support group.  I went a couple times, but didn't really click with the other moms, or really feel like I was getting a lot out of it.  Plus it was in the evening, at 6 pm, which is just a bad time for small children and bedtimes.  I joined the mommy group, which was nice, but didn't produce lasting friendships.

In any case, over the course of Jayden growing up, I concluded that I am not good with babies.  I love my kids, but babies are just not my thing.  I keep them alive, healthy and growing.  But I don't enjoy them the way some people do.  And I accept that and even own it - now.  At the time I had Jayden, I felt broken.  But now I get that some people survive babyhood, and some others revel in it.  And I know I'm the former.  So, when I was pregnant with Dakota, I knew the first year would be hard, but I thought that because I had gone through some self-discovery with Jayden I could handle it better.  Turns out that's not the case.  Turns out if you're not a baby person, even if you own it, accept it and tell everyone you know about it, you're still just not a baby person and surviving the first year is hard.  Really hard.

And in a funny way, it doesn't help that my kids are cute.  Everywhere I go, people gush over Dakota, telling me she's the cutest baby they've ever seen, she should be in magazines, etc.  And on my worst days, I can barely muster a "thank you," or I'm at a loss for words because even though I know theoretically that she's cute, I can't seem to find that joy that others see.

So, in any case, I went to see a psychiatrist today.  And she believes I'm moderately depressed, most likely post-partum depression.  And that the ridiculous sleep deprivation is not helping anything.  We talked about a lot of things, which I won't go into here for various reasons.  But what came out of my appointment is that I realized that my feelings are legitimate, and that it is worth it to get help.  I'm avoiding medication for now.  But I am going to keep seeing her, and working on her suggestions and tips in the meantime.  It's going to be a process, and I'm going to need people's grace and gentleness (if that's a word) as I get through it. But I will get through it.  Because I need to be a better wife, I need to be a better mom, and, maybe most importantly of all, I need to be better to myself.  So that is my new plan, which at this point isn't much of a plan.  But it's a starting point, and will hopefully lead to so many better things.


[I debated whether or not to share this.  But I decided that more people need to talk about postpartum struggles, and in a way that isn't  disastrous.  Just because you have postpartum depression doesn't mean you can't hold down a job, keep your kids alive, keep food on the table, etc.  There is such a range, and it hits people in such different ways.  It's worth sharing so other people know they're not alone and that having scary thoughts is okay, AND that things can be better.  So there it is.  I'll answer questions, to an extent.  But some of this process is going to be mine, because I need to do it the way that works for me.]

Not the best weekend

For 4/5 of the Wallace family.  One person had probably one of the better weekends of the year.  If any of you follow football, I'm guessing you can figure out that the person who had the good weekend is Carmen.  His client, Von Miller, not only won the Super Bowl with his team, but was also named MVP.   Which is awesome.

BUT.  What that also means is that the other four of us were left at home.  And everyone (and every dog) except me threw up.  Dakota started off the fun Friday night at about 1:30 am.  Projectile vomiting pretty much until 5:00 am.  She took a break and resumed in the afternoon, around 3:00 pm.  We had a break, and then Sunday morning, around 10:00 am, Jasmine joined in the fun.  Then Sunday afternoon around 4:00 pm, Jayden took his turn.  He threw up until about 2:00 am this morning.  And then Dakota picked up where he left off around 7:30 am.  Oh, and this whole time Dakota has had diarrhea.  She had one diaper so full that it actually soaked through the diaper.  I think I've changed her clothes at least twelve times this weekend, and that's not an exaggeration.

Relaxing in the stroller.  She actually looks kinda big here, even though she definitely is not.

Before I knew we weren't done puking, I was feeding her veggies.  Bad move mama.

We went to the zoo with Maxwell to see the "aquarium on wheels" (which was really just a moving truck with a few tide pools in it that the kids could touch).  The kids loved it.

And they got to climb a tree.  Maxwell's dad has a great picture from the tree, but I didn't get it from him yet.

And the two boys are a match made in heaven: they both love riding on the bench on carousels.  I really love it.  

Sunday started off pretty good.  Dakota was cheerful (and not puking) and wearing the cutest little outfit from one of Carmen's co-workers.

Jayden did some "high knees" at soccer class.

And Dakota and I hung out in the wind and played with leaves.

Carmen did not get home until Monday night (after bedtime).  So needless to say I had my share of cleaning.  I've done probably six loads of laundry between clothing and sheets that have been soiled.  And the whole time, all I can think about is that I cannot catch whatever it is they have.  I can't miss more work, and I can't take care of the two of them if I'm that ill.  So I've been knocking on wood and trying to build up my karma as best I can.

Monday morning cuddles on the couch.

Poor Jayden was so confused about being this kind of sick.  He just had no idea what it was like and he was so sad.  He took a really good nap Monday, and afterwards he had definitely perked up.
Today he took another good nap and was pretty much 100% afterwards.  He walked out of his room and announced loudly (and cheerfully) "I'm awake!  Here I am!!!"  It was very cute.

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And then today (Tuesday) happened.  And the kids still couldn't go to school.  Jayden had only eaten applesauce and one banana in the last 36 hours and Dakota was barely 24 hours from her last time throwing up, and still had terrible diaper messes.  I thought we'd split the burden, but instead I got to stay home again, and miss even more meetings.  I'm pretty much over staying home alone with two sick kids.  Four days in a row is enough.  It's things like this that make me realize I would be a terrible Stay-at-home-Mom.  Thank goodness for my mom friends, both of whom have called and offered to bring food and big fountain sodas for me.  They are amazing and totally my support system here.

We were definitely feeling better today, although still having some nasty diapers.  Here's hoping that calms down by tomorrow.  I think I'll take three or four changes of clothes, just in case!

The cheerful Jayden.  Even with a voluntary smile!

In any case, Dakota is still not sleeping well (it's 8:40 and she has already woken up once tonight, after going to bed at 7:45), but Jayden is in bed and hopefully the two of them will be cheerful and relatively well-rested for tomorrow.  I'm seriously behind so I've to do some major catching up tomorrow and Thursday.

I haven't posted pictures in a while either, so here's a few from the last couple of weeks:

Dakota has definitely discovered her toes and is quite adept at getting them into her mouth.

Jayden got a haircut - finally!  I think it has been at least two months, maybe longer.  He was in desperate need of a cut.  I probably need to take Dakota too (the back of her head gets incredibly frizzy and messy), but I am resisting.  She just seems so little!

..And evidence of that wild hair.  Always reaching for something - my dinner plate, my phone, a toy, a water bottle, literally anything within arms length is fair game for her, and her arms are decently long.

I actually got a babysitter and went out with a couple of girlfriends on Friday night.  Turned out to be a huge mistake, considering what began about four hours after I got home.  But for about three hours I felt fancy and had fun with my girlfriends.  It's amazing how quickly you transform into "mom with puke all over her pajamas who has barely slept."  

I do have a short week, because my office is closed this Friday and next Monday.  I had planned to take this Friday for myself, and go for a run, get a pedicure and/or a massage, etc.  But instead we have errands to run, like meeting with our estate planning attorney and picking out some photos.  Sooo, not so much on the day for myself.  And then Monday the kids' school is closed too, so it will be another mommy and kids day.  Deep breaths are going to be oh so necessary.

I hope everyone is having a good week.  Here's hoping everyone stays healthy and far away from whatever germs hit my house this past weekend.