This is probably what I should have wrote on his first birthday, but somehow yesterday/today was somewhat more momentous to me. In any case, here it goes:
Dear Jayden,
First of all, as my family has told me, never forget how amazing you are. Sadly, it's an easy thing to do. But you have to try your hardest not to forget. You are amazing and you can and will do amazing things.
Your daddy and I love you so very much. We don't always know what we're doing, but we try our best to do what is best for you. We think you are incredibly. We may be biased, but we think you are the smartest, sweetest, cutest baby/toddler anyone has ever seen.
You have shown me that my heart is capable of more love than I ever thought possible. I don't normally cry as much as I have in the first year of your life, but part of the reason I cry so much is because I love you so much. I miss you when I'm not with you and I'm pretty much always thinking about you. Everything I do, I think about how it will affect you. I try to do the best for you always. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. And sometimes what I think is best isn't necessarily what everyone else thinks is best. But all we can do is stick to our convictions and work together, you, me and your daddy, to figure out what works for our family.
One thing that was really important to me was that I breastfeed you. And I was so lucky to not have any problems. You learned how to do it from the time you were minutes old. I barely had to teach you anything. We had a few days when you were about three weeks old where we had to stop. But we fixed that problem and kept on going. Even when I went back to work, I did my best to make sure you had milk from me when you were at daycare. I woke up in the middle of the night, long after you stopped waking up in the middle of the night. I didn't meet my goal (12 months of exclusive breastfeeding), but we did make it about 7 months. After that, you got a little bit of formula at daycare, but mostly my milk. A few weeks before you turned one, I started reducing how much I nursed you. And soon enough we only nursed in the morning and night before bedtime. Last week we stopped nursing in the morning. And last night, well last night was the last time I'll ever nurse you. Turns out this is much harder for me than it is for you. Which is a good thing, because if it were hard on you too, then I might totally crack.
I am going to miss the cuddles we had throughout the day, when you first woke up, right before you went to bed. We'll still cuddle, but it'll be different. You'll be squirmy, we'll be reading a book, who knows. But you won't be content and still in my arms, even for 10 minutes probably, unless you're asleep. I'm happy, in a way, because it means you're growing and exploring and learning. But I'm sad because it means my role in your life is changing. I'll always be Mama, but what I do for you will change.
One of my friends reassured me that it can be a good change; I'll be your source of comfort when you have an owie; I'll be the person you run to when I come pick you up at daycare; I'll be the person you want to tell about your day at school; or better or for worse, sometimes I'll be the person you call for in the middle of the night when you have a nightmare. I'll do my best to feed you healthy (but also yummy) meals, to make you laugh and to comfort you when you're sad. But it'll never be the same as it has been this first year.
You are going to learn so many things over your life, but especially in the next few years, you can't even believe it. You are going to laugh even when you don't know what's funny; you're going to cry when you get hurt and when you feel sad. But what you need to know is that anytime you need me, whether it's to laugh your crazy open-mouthed belly laugh or cry from sadness or just to cuddle up together in the rocking chair with a book, I'll be there for you. Whether it's in person, over the phone (when you get older) or however, I'll be there. The bond we have as mother and child will never go away, no matter how it changes.
I know you know how much you're loved, by your mama, your daddy, your grandparents, your friends and your family. I know there will be times when you think your parents are crazy and have no idea what they're doing (you may or may not be right), but what you need to know is that everything we do is done with you in mind.
As my eyes fill with tears, I think it's time to end this note for now. But Jayden Ajani, you need to know you are so special. And even though a special time in my life with you has come to an end, we have many more special memories to create and I can't wait to find out what those will be.
Love,
Mama
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