Yesterday Carmen, Jayden and I went out to lunch and ran a few errands. I tried to catch up with Carmen as far as shoe purchases go, while Jayden was asleep in the carrier on my chest. Turns out it's pretty challenging to try shoes on with an almost 28 pound child on your chest.
Today I got 1-1/2 hours to myself to get a pedicure. It was relaxing and nice to chill out and read three month old People magazines for a few minutes. I got another 20 minutes or so to sit when I got home before Jayden woke up from his nap. We ate some lunch, let Jayden run back and forth on the brick pathway outside with Jasmine and then Jayden and I took off to the grocery store. I used one of the shopping carts that has a car in front and let Jayden "drive" us around. He was pretty excited about using the steering wheel and it actually kept him pretty entertained!
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| Looking at me through the grocery cart. I also managed to knock over a display. In front of another shopper. It was difficult to put back together so I did the best I could and then ran. I did mention it to the guy who checked me out. He was less than enthusiastic about it, but whatever. Those car/carts are really hard to steer! |
Jayden continued his struggle with eating. He's definitely trying to tell me that he wants something, but what I get is "ma-na, ma-na, ma-na, ma-na" with a lot of finger pointing towards the general kitchen area and some head shaking. Makes it very difficult to figure out what exactly he's asking for. So I guess. And 98% of the time I'm wrong. And I either get food thrown at me, spit out or generally tossed on the floor. It reduced me to tears more than once this weekend.
And this brings me to a slightly more serious note: everyone on the outside seems to think I'm a great mother and I have everything together. But I question myself every day and I know that I am not the best mother. I definitely could stand to find more patience somewhere. I should have figured this out about myself before having Jayden, but somehow I missed it: I like to know what I'm doing; I like to feel comfortable and confident in what I'm doing. When I don't feel comfortable then I get nervous and things don't go well. So, the issue with being a mom is that nobody really knows what they're doing. Some people figure it out faster than others I guess, but each day still brings new challenges. So I think this discomfort affects my ability to let things go, to just be happy, etc. I also think the lack of personal time over the past 1-1/2 years has really taken its toll on me. Especially since I am a person who really values their personal time. In any case, it's a challenge. I recognize it's a challenge and I'm trying to convince myself to overcome it, for Jayden's sake. He deserves a mom who is happy - with life, with herself, with her job, with her husband, with her dog, etc. So that's my late January resolution, for Jayden's sake.
And now for a lighter note. Here's Jayden during dinner. He was "double-fisting"
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| Jayden finally drinking milk! It's been a few days since he's been willing to drink milk because of all of his congestion. He still has a chest cough but he does seem to be feeling better. He's been sleeping well too - last night he slept 12-1/2 hours! We loved the 8:30 am wake up this morning. |
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| Goofing off during the photo shoot. I don't know what he thought was funny, but something cracked him up. Oh toddlers. |
For those of you wondering: William is still unconscious (in the medically induced coma). He's showing positive signs and they are reducing his medications, etc. slowly and trying to let him wake up on his own. Enid is still in Charlotte with him. She's had a number of visitors for support which has been good. But I think this is extremely stressful for her. Keep sending whatever it is you send - prayers, thoughts, good vibes, etc. - because they are truly needed right now.
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