I don't even know.

Yup, it has been forever.  I honestly barely even know what happened. It feels like two days have passed, and it feels like a year has passed. But in reality, it has been about three weeks, I think. Maybe two? Maybe four? I know it has been a while. And it has been an adventure. A good adventure, a bad adventure, an exciting one, a stressful one, a little bit of everything mixed in.

After Gramma left, we basically just survived. I had a mediation in Los Angeles the day Gramma left, and made it back to OC to pick up the kids with 15 minutes to spare. So stressful, especially as I'm sitting in terrible traffic on the 5. But I made it, which is what matters, I guess. Jayden later tells me "I like it when you pick me up earlier." Mom guilt, times twenty seven.

We had a friend's birthday party last Saturday, after swim class. They had the reptile lady come visit - so we got to see snakes, tarantulas (SO GROSS!), bullfrogs, lizards, tortoises, etc. It was actually pretty cool, but I definitely only touched maybe half of the reptiles. Jayden touched all of them, and Dakota touched about 90% of them. The reptile lady was very impressed with Dakota and said "she's going to be like me." It was all I could to not say "I sincerely hope not."

The bullfrog! I kind of love this guy - he's so big and so cute! (and so not poisonous and not threatening).

Dakota was so cute. She loved all the reptiles. And she was so gentle in touching them. I was very impressed.

Oh. My. God. I cannot. Snakes, and especially snakes this big, are not okay. They should remain inside glass containers and never be let out.

And then Jayden TOUCHED it and HELD it. Seriously. Ewww.

The party was for Landon and he requested a cake that was purple and that was Frozen-themed. I love it. I am so grateful for my parent friends who let their kids be kids, and let their kids choose what matters to them. If purple and frozen matters, then do it. If purple and Donatellos matters, then do it. If blue and superheros matter, then do that too. And I don't care if you're a girl or a boy. I can only hope that Dakota grows up loving cars as much as Jayden does, and thinking purple is the best color ever (because, well, obviously!). There is a piece of me, always, that is yearning for freedom of expression and acceptance and all of that for our children. There is NO reason a five year old should be told something is only for "girls" or only for "boys." It just doesn't matter. The bottom line is they are our kids and they are AWESOME!

If you follow me on instagram, you already saw this. But on the way home from the party, Jayden and I were chatting about how fast he was (and how he could probably beat the people in the Olympics - because, again, obviously), and I was telling him how, with practice, he would get faster and faster. I thought I was being so nice and all of that, and then he says "Mama, can you leave me alone? I need to go to sleep." And so I shut up (Dakota was already asleep) and just drove the rest of the way home in silence. It was awesome (it actually really was - the kids both slept once I got them home, for at least long enough for me to clean up and sit down for a few minutes).

The beginning of the week was just that, a week. I just can't keep up with work at the moment, and it's taking me away from my family more than I want. Not as much as Carmen, let's be real here (!), but still more than I'm used to and more than I'd like. I was in San Francisco on Friday, for a legislative planning meeting with Consumer advocates throughout California. It was a test for me (and for Carmen, since it was really the first time I'd left him with the kids since his shoulder surgery  - in case anyone is counting, that is about two months where Carmen was never left alone with the kids. Two months!). But, as expected, everything was fine. The kids were alive, they went to sleep, they ate, they generally survived. And that's what matters. And I got to enjoy a day, talking to colleagues and people I have looked up to for quite a while - and feel like I'm making a difference in the world (or at least the state of California - for consumer rights), and having a wonderful visit and dinner with two of my very best friends. I haven't had that kind of freedom for a long time. And yes, it was only a day. But it was rejuvenating, and that made it worth it.

First flight out. Takeoff, 6:45 am (which really means 7:00 am in Orange County, but you get in line for takeoff at 6:42 so you get there first!). It meant getting up at 4 something. I don't even know 4 what. But it was dark and that's what mattered to me.

And then I went back to school. At 9:00 am, on UC Berkeley's campus, trying to find my way to the law school. It was a beautiful, overcast day, but I was still sweating by the time I hiked up the hill from BART to the law school.
Thank goodness my lovely friend offered to pick me up and I didn't have to navigate myself back to BART and back to Oakland.

And here are my lovely friends. Seriously lovely. They're the best. Vanessa is having her (obviously beautiful) baby boy in a little more than two months (and her birthday AND anniversary is Sunday). And the two of them are just awesome. It just kills me that I don't get to talk to them every day, or see them every week. The two of them (and a few others) remind me that nothing is off limits in a friendship, that everyone is going through something you know nothing about and that you can be friends across miles, across life differences, across experiences and across time.
But you can never support Donald Trump. That is the only rule.

Last flight in to Santa Ana. It was a long day. But so totally worth it. I felt equally inspired, relaxed, happy and wistful. I missed my kids, I missed my husband, I missed fall festival. But I decided I need to let Carmen handle the house for a day, for him and for me. And we both are better for it, I think. 

And then last night I went to see Glennon Doyle Melton speak. She is the force behind Momastery. As I told my friend last night, I do credit Glennon with reminding/reassuring/whatever me that I have "faith." I may not go to church, and I may not be sure about my belief in God, but I do believe in something. And I believe that being a good person is worthwhile, and that you will benefit from treating others and yourself with respect. And that is enough for now. I am still learning and developing my faith and spirituality, and what that means for me. And I am so incredibly comfortable with that. Glennon spent a lot of time speaking about Jesus and her love for Jesus. And I understood many of the lessons she learned from Him and the reasons why she holds him in high regard. But it is very difficult for me to get over the judgment that comes from the Church (that is capitalized on purpose).
I also felt very strongly that many people at the talk last night viewed Glennon as if everything she said was true. And for some people, that may be right. But it reminded me of a cult and/or of sheep. As I wrote to a friend of mind - the people who blindly follow Trump scare the sh*t out of me, because obviously. But shouldn't we be scared by anyone who blindly follows another person? Especially another human, because we all have unique experiences, and we all relate differently to people, to experiences, to life. I am all for taking someone else's experience, acknowledging their experience and figuring out how it applies to their own life. But I am not for dealing with my life the exact same way that someone else deals with their life. It just doesn't make sense. So that's my take on religion, and on Momastery, and on life. Educate yourself, apply what works, and work around what does not work. I'm not saying I'm 100%, or even 50% successful. But I believe one day, some day, it will be successful. 

And this is just too awesome. How can you not love this? Mama asks for a kiss and she gets a "thhhhppppbt" in response. Love you too baby girl!

So, yeah. We're doing okay We're better than we were two months ago, and even better than we were a month ago. And progress is all you can ask for, right? Work is killing me, and killing Carmen. Both of us are more stressed than we deserve, but we are trying to commiserate, but at the same time, not let that impact our family life. And I think we're doing okay. It takes patience, and wine. Wine is actually pretty important.

We are both still trying to figure out how we can incorporate exercise into our life. And one day I'll cook on a nightly basis (but probably not for many, many years - or until I retire, whichever happens last!), but we're getting there. I find ways to get the family to eat healthy. And both kids still love their vegetables and get complimented day in and day out about their eating habits (this is me making myself feel better, in case you couldn't tell). But on a regular basis (i.e., every day, every hour, every minute), I feel guilty about how little I am able to actually cook a homemade meal from scratch. I canc make hot dogs, and "pasta with things inside it," but that's not the same as making a meal from scratch. I tried Blue Apron. There are definitely benefits. But the problem is you still have to chop everything and cook it - so it still takes like an hour to make a meal! I have 10-20 minutes from the time I get home to get a meal on the table. It's enough time to boil pasta, microwave something already cooked, or cook a hot dog. Oh, or cook frozen vegetables. That's pretty much it. Again, the kids are good eaters. And for that I am grateful. I've learned to use Amazon PRIME, to use pre-cut vegetables, all kinds of short cuts. And, as I've discussed with my therapist, it has only been 16 months since Dakota was born. I can use that for and against me, but I am trying my best to use that in my favor. Forgive myself. It has only been 16 months. If you have a better way to convince me, let me know. I could use it!

This has been a long, rambling post. But sometimes this blog is my therapy. So thank you for reading. And if you do nothing else, watch the video of Dakota refusing to kiss me at bedtime. Because, well, that's life!