On a more serious note

I touched on this in a prior post, but I think one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood (and I am being parent-specific on this one, because that's what I see most often; I'm sure it applies to fathers in some circumstances also) is the shifting of identity.

Prior to having kids, every person has their own identity.  At times the husband's and wife's identity merge, depending on personality, lifestyle, work scenario, etc.  But for the most part, the husband and wife are two separate people, with separate interests (that sometimes merge) and separate personalities.  Once kids show up on the scene, things seem to change, at least from my observation.  Even if I love going to concerts, going to happy hour, etc., that is no longer just my choice.  It probably will be again someday.  But the reality now is that if I want to do something that's after hours (i.e., not between 9 and 5 on a weekday when the child is in daycare), I have to make arrangements.  I have to coordinate with my husband, if we're not going together, or I have to get a babysitter.  This is true for leisure, but also for work events.  That is my burden.  I don't get to be carefree; I have to essentially ask for a hall pass.

Maternity leave makes it more difficult, because my life consists of workout pants, nursing bras, air-dried frizzy hair, spit up, tears and balancing.  Lots and lots of balancing baby's needs, with almost-four-year-old's needs, and even dog's and husband's needs.  When exactly do I fit in my own?!?
But then look at these cuties.  Especially when they're smiling, but even when they're not.  That bottom lip on Dakota is something else, huh?

It's hard.  It's not something everyone can adapt to, or something everyone adapts to easily.  At times it's no big deal.  At other times it's really difficult.  It leads to feelings of isolation and confusion.  I adore my children, and often I'd rather spend time with them than place myself in a potentially awkward social/networking situation.  That has a lot to do with my personality.  I am a homebody and have always preferred to have a few close friends rather than a huge group of friends/acquaintances.  HOWEVER.  When that choice is more or less forced on you, and the majority of your communication with the outside world is via email or text, it is difficult.  Sometimes you just want to be out, in grown up clothes, doing grown up stuff, talking about grown up things. For me, the majority of my close friends live at least 600 miles away, so it's not like I can just run down the street to say "hi."  I have a couple good friends who are local, but scheduling is always a challenge.  I'd love to be able to call someone up at 3 pm and meet for happy hour at 3:30.  But, for instance, with one of my friends, we'd be juggling a 10 year old, a 9 year old, a 3 year old, a 15 week old and a 7 week old, along with two husbands who sometimes work long hours at stressful jobs.  It's just. not. that. easy.

This identity crisis crosses over to work as well.  I remember graduating law school and being determined to make a name for myself as a lawyer - I didn't necessarily know what kind of law I wanted to practice, but I wanted to be an "expert" in the area in which I practiced.  And, in many ways, I have found my area and have grown significantly over the past 7 years, reaching a respectable position in my organization and in the community.  Since having Jayden, however, my priorities and goals have shifted.  I am no longer so worried about "making a name" for myself, or even necessarily pushing my professional development.  I am more worried about balancing work and home life - and making sure that I am as available as possible for Jayden, and now Dakota.  For instance, Jayden's preschool (that he starts Monday - ACK!) has lots of events, and I plan to be available for those events, even if they're scheduled for 11 am on a weekday.  We'll see if my intentions conflict with reality, but that's the plan.

To make a long story short(er), the identity shift women go through when they become mothers is not something to be taken lightly.  And it's not really something to prepare for either.  Some women experience it in a very different way.  Some embrace it fully, leave whatever job they're working and raise their kids full-time (which, by the way, is more demanding than most any other job - if you're a stay-at-home mom you spend 100+ hours a week caring for your children, assuming they're not in preschool Monday-Friday, 9-5 and you are the primary caretaker generally).  This blogger is 35 and decided to leave her exciting, professional job to stay at home (made me think twice about my decision, that's for sure).  Others hire a nanny, coordinate with their significant other or family, and go full speed ahead into their careers, loving their children as much as anyone else, but relying on others to take care of many of the household chores and sometimes much of the child-rearing.  And others, like myself, come up with some kind of hybrid - continue to pursue a career, but with reduced expectations and in a place that offers flexibility.  This is why so many studies show that mothers who work part-time are happiest.

Having a supportive social network is crazy important.  I will say that my closest friends, whether they're moms or not, whether they're local or not, are the reason I'm still sane.  They give me an outlet, they let me be crazy and even join me in my craziness from time to time.  There are 156 movements online to stop the "mommy wars."  A website I read quite often, www.scarymommy.com, has this post (some of their other posts are useful, some not so much, so approach with a discerning eye) discussing Mommy Wars.  There is a change.org petition to make a #mommitment to end the mommy wars (I signed it - probably at 3 am while nursing Dakota!).  My friend, who is a "real" blogger (in that her blog is public, she's had a blog post published in a book and she has at least 10 followers), wrote this post about the mommy wars.  And I vote for all of them, because honestly, at the end of the day, all moms are trying to figure out who they are and do what's best for their kids in this crazy, crazy world that is doing its best to try to make it as difficult as possible to do just that.

I mean, really.  Look at her toothless smile!

I'm still not sure what to do with the rash/dryness.  Since it's not bothering her, I'm going to wait until her two month doctor appointment to ask the doctor to look at it more closely.

And this BIG boy.  With his new haircut he looks about 10.  It's killing me.  

I don't know that there is an answer, per se.  These are just my observations from the past four years, and particularly the past 7 weeks, as I think they become more pronounced once baby #2 pops onto the scene.