Lucky

I am really just lucky.  I have been solo parenting* the last two days (with one more day to go tomorrow!), and I have to say, we have been okay.  I'm not saying it's easy, or even necessarily enjoyable, but sometimes it is.  Jayden has his moments of acting like he's two and moments of acting like he's six.  And you honestly never know which one you're going to get.  Today I got a little of everything, mixed in with the four year old he actually is!

But, to start from the beginning.  Or at least the beginning, after the last time I posted.  The biggest news is that I'm back to work.  I don't have child care, so I haven't had to say goodbye to Dakota yet, which is why this blog post isn't smudged with tears (yes, my tears would be that strong that they'd smudge the computer screen).  But I am officially back on the payroll, and working as much as I can in the office and from home.  In case you're wondering, my bosses approved this plan, because they wanted me to come back sooner rather than later.

I spent the couple days before I went back trying to do as many things as possible to feel ready (doctor appointments, errands, etc.).  Some things went well, and others did not.  I had tried to coordinate my eye doctor appointment with Carmen's appointment so that he could help me with Dakota, but somehow he didn't quite understand my request.  So I braved the appointment on my own, and it was about as bad as it could be.  She cried pretty much the entire appointment.  My doctor doesn't have kids, but he was very patient nonetheless.  However, he did spend about half as long as normal with me, and ushered me out, nicely, but quickly, when I was done.  I felt pretty inadequate.  It turns out that morning was just a mess: she was either crying or asleep all morning.  Needless to say, it wasn't my favorite morning.

At least when she was sleeping she was cute.
I later discovered that these really cute headbands I found were almost denting her head.  So I wonder if that's partly (or entirely) why she was so fussy.  Oops....!

The first day at work was oh so hard.  Everyone was so happy to have me back, it was almost overwhelming.  My office looked as though a tornado had hit it, which was rather disappointing.  I also got hints that a lot of what I had anticipated was done while I was gone was not exactly done.  A little frustrating, but nothing disastrous.

Jayden wearing his batman cape t-shirt.
(Enid, show Sabrina please! He loves it!)

My "daycare center" set up in my office.  It only lasted maybe 10 minutes, and I've since rearranged to make it a little easier, but it's still pretty funny.

Asleep in my arms while I work.  Turns out it's pretty hard to hold a baby all day and get work done.
Today I brought a bouncy seat; tomorrow I will take a play mat thing.  I figure I'll rotate things to occupy her so she doesn't get bored of any one thing.  And because the bouncy seat thingy is kind of hard to carry!

Thursday night I cracked and just couldn't handle.  I put her to bed by maybe 7:15.  I was stressed (she had slept terribly the night before - as if she could sense my anxiety - so I was exhausted too) and it just all felt so overwhelming.  So I cracked.  In some ways I was lucky that it was my turn to put Jayden to bed, because once I got Dakota down, I got to read books and cuddle with Jayden, which was exactly what I needed in a lot of ways.  I just needed someone who wouldn't judge, who just loves me unconditionally (for now!) and someone who just needed me to be completely me.  It's comforting, in a way.  Friday I didn't go to the office.  I decided I needed to take it really slowly, so I did some errands in the morning and worked from home in the afternoon.  Technology really makes such a difference in my ability to work from anywhere, which is so great.  I also got our office space mostly set up - so that it's almost functional, even if it's not pretty.

We had a little time for cuddles and cuteness too.

And some giggles:

Dakota thinks the funniest songs are funny.  The lines I'm "singing" are from the Cha-Cha Slide by DJ Casper.  It's awesome.  But she only likes those three lines.  I googled the lyrics to try to sing more of the song.  And I only get the ridiculously cute giggles when I say "How low can you go?  Can you go down low?  All the way to the flo'?"  So yeah.  She likes what she likes, so I sing what she likes.  Because wouldn't you want to make her giggle like that if you could??!? 

And some tummy time!  She's recently gotten very good at tummy time.  It still only lasts maybe five minutes, but she can push her head up, look around and reach for toys.  It's pretty awesome.

Saturday we had swim lessons, and then relaxed the rest of the day.  It was a good day.

Some typical Jayden playing either before or after swim class.  So graceful! ;)

Sleepy smiles.

Chillin'

Bath time!
Doesn't she look so much like Jayden when we flatten her hair?!?

For comparison, here's Jayden at about 3-1/2 months:

I tried to  find one with a similar facial expression.  Jayden's lips look a little bigger, but he was also just a bigger baby.  Once Dakota packs on the pounds, this could totally be her.

But then midnight hit.  After sleeping 10-13 hours a night for a couple weeks, this past week Dakota has started waking up around 2 or 3 am.  It's only once, so it's not terrible, but it's disappointing after getting such good sleep for a couple weeks!  And then Saturday night came.  She woke up at midnight.  Then at 1 am.  Then at 3:30 am. I stayed in her room until 5:30 am.  Carmen left for the airport around 6:45 am, and then Jayden was up at about 7:10 am.  So yeah, I think I slept, but I'm really not sure how much.

Which is why Sunday morning, I got the kids up and ready, walked the dog, and then got us OUT of the house pronto.  The Orange County Children's Book Fair was Sunday, so, even though it was almost sort of maybe raining, we headed out there.  Soccer class was cancelled that day because of the rain (and probably soggy wet fields), so I didn't have to worry about our time, which was nice.  Take note of the title of the event - the book fair - because we spent our time at the bounce house, on the train, eating lunch, and checking out the model trains.  Oh and we walked past a bunch of books!  Oh well.  The point was to be out of the house and to be entertained, and we did both.

Running in the bounce house.

He thought it would be fun to go head first down the slide inside the bounce house.  And to be fair, it probably was fun.  But he managed to put his face down and rubbed his nose along the slide, causing a rubber burn on his nose.  It was pretty red right after, and now has developed into a bit of a scab.
Of course school pictures are on Wednesday...

Mama and kids on the train.  Some of us are happier than others.  ;)  

Model trains

The rest of the day was uneventful, and I even got the kids to bed at a reasonable time.  Amazing.  Our house cleaners were coming today, so I spent the evening after the kids were in bed cleaning up.  Not my favorite activity, but it had to be done.  Sleeping was much better, until 2:45 am when Jayden woke up because of a bad dream.  Since I was awake and Dakota wasn't, I decided to pump.  I finished, washed the parts and came back upstairs by 3:30 probably.  At 4:30 Dakota woke up.  I was back in bed by 5:30 am, and my alarm went off at 6:15 am.  Oof.  Oddly enough I'm doing okay so far.  But if I don't get sleep soon, I can't promise I won't crack again.

Today I had to be in the office to fix some phones (good thing I went to law school, huh?!?) and to submit a grant report (again, using that law school degree...), and then I went to lunch with a friend and worked from home for the afternoon.  There's so much to do that it's hard to know where to begin.  I'm going to have to just dive in and see what happens.  It's intimidating, but if I don't start somewhere, I'll never start.  Unfortunately I'm at the office every day this week, so I'll just have to make sure I work some partial days.  Tomorrow and Friday I have to be there most of the day, so Wednesday and Thursday I'll try to work half-ish days.  Nine more work days until child care for Dakota starts - ack!  I definitely am not ready for that.  I'm half hoping the preschool tells me I have to wait another couple of weeks for child care for Dakota - but I don't think that will happen.

And to stop thinking about the disaster that I will be when I drop her off the first few days, here are some cute pictures of the kiddos:

Some cuteness from yesterday - the kids holding hands after Jayden woke up from his nap.  Dakota was screeching her little heart out, and woke Jayden up.  She's so LOUD.
Based on her first almost 4 months, I have a feeling she's going to be our outgoing, loud, wild child.  She will probably test our patience more than Jayden does.  It will be interesting to see how different she really is.

Fell asleep while I was reading books to Jayden tonight.  This is how she sucks her fingers; I find it adorable.

See?  I feel better already.  :)

And back to the title of the post.  Lucky.  When Carmen is out of town, or it's my turn to put Jayden to bed (Carmen and I alternate reading books to Jayden every other night), I usually read books, sit in his room for a minute, then go put Dakota to bed and then go back to cuddle with Jayden for a couple minutes if he hasn't fallen asleep already.  Tonight I did that.  He wasn't asleep but he was sleepy when I went back in.  He asked me to lay down with him, which I did.  I laid there for maybe three minutes, with my arm around him and his arm around me (he had patted my back for a few seconds when I first laid down with him), and he passed out.  If I didn't have 18 things to do, I might have just stayed there a while.  He is just the sweetest boy, and so in need of comfort and reassurance.  Not that he's not confident, because he is the first one to tell you how good, smart, fast, handsome, etc. he is.  But he needs physical contact, he needs cuddles and he needs attention.  I adore him.

*I have recently read a few articles by people who are true single moms who take exception to us married folk saying we're "single-momming-it" when our partners are out of town.  I get it.  Even if Carmen isn't here, I have his financial support, and theoretically his emotional and practical support as well.  If you're a single parent, you are truly navigating the world on your own - within whatever network you may create.  SO.  I have decided to call it "solo parenting" to more accurately describe what I do while Carmen is gone.  I am still half of a double, but I am going solo for these few days.